The Wizard of Snoz
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Yuuta gets hit with a tennis shoe, and everyone goes nuts.


A/N: I don't own the Wizard of Oz, I'm just silly enough to use it. I don't own Prince of Tennis either -- it owns me.

6:83 PM: WORKOUT ROOM, ST. RUDOLPH JUNIOR HIGH.

Sometimes, Fuji Yuuta just wished he was somewhere else. Somewhere really, really far away where his problems couldn't touch him; somewhere over the rainbow, where troubles melted like lemon drops away above the chimney tops -- yeah, that's where he'd like to be. He could almost imagine the blue, blue sky, and the singing birds -- A place where the under appreciated were loved! Somewhere where his aniki wasn't famous and people would bow and worship HIM for a change (well, maybe that was a bit of a stretch, but this was his fantasy, damn it) and he could have all the cotton candy he wanted, and Mizuki-san wouldn't wear those awful blouses, and he would eat nothing but raspberry pie all day and every day, and he could listen to Kimeru music 24/7, and…

"Yuuta-kun, you have a distinctly glazed-over look," Mizuki said eyeing Yuuta critically. "Are you not taking your training seriously?"

"I am being very serious, Mizuki-san!" Yuuta yelped. He had to stop drifting like that, or Mizuki was going to force him to do some of that "special training" again, which had ended up in mostly molestation last time, which had been a little uncomfortable --

Yuuta went to his training very enthusiastically.

"Hey, everyone be quiet for a minute," Kisarazu said suddenly, and he turned up the radio.

"…and a freak tornado is heading straight for St. Rudolph junior high."

"Tornado, da ne? Headed this way, da ne? That doesn't sound very happy, da ne."

"Hey, are tornadoes those big swirly things that have cows floating in them?" Kaneda asked randomly.

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"I just saw one out the window." Apparently, his question hadn't been that random after all.

"SOMEONE SAVE ME!" Nomura screamed, and he ran away.

"What a wimp, da ne," Yanagisawa said, shaking his head.

The remaining St. Rudolph boys sat in silence for a moment. Then the fact that there was a tornado right outside the building they were in sank in, and panic ensued. Yuuta found himself on the floor being trampled by the rest of his teammates as they retreated.

He hurt all over. He hurt so much that he couldn't even stand, which was unfortunate, because the tornado was even closer now. In fact, it had just picked the building up off of its foundation, and started spinning it around. Yuuta saw cows, and lions, and tigers, and bears - oh my!

Yuuta even thought he saw his physics teacher spinning around in there somewhere, but he couldn't be sure, because at that moment he was rendered unconscious by a stray tennis shoe.

When Yuuta came to, he realized he wasn't in Japan anymore. Everything around him seemed to be in shades of pink or purple. It was all oversized and super cute, and Yuuta wondered if he'd just stepped inside of one of Mizuki's blouses. The idea was ridiculous of course. He must be drunk, that was the only explanation. Except he'd never had an alcoholic drink in his life.

Yuuta heard some giggling, and wondered if there were other drunkards around. He couldn't see any, though. All he could see were a few oversized hats that were helping little people blend into the background and -- oh.

"Excuse me," Yuuta said, "Could you tell me where I am?"

The little people only giggled more. Yuuta felt his irritation level rising. He was about to tell them not to mess with Fuji Yuuta when there was a pink puffy explosion that reminded Yuuta of cotton candy, and/or Mizuki's newest sweater.

Only it wasn't Mizuki who appeared.

"Hello! I am Fujinda, good witch of the north, and --"

"Aniki! What the &(&7&( are you doing?" Yuuta's imitation of a helium-filled herniated goose was a good one.

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," Fuji (or was it Fujinda?) said pleasantly. That was no different than usual, but Yuuta wasn't used to seeing his brother adorned in pink, fluffy dresses, no matter what anyone suspected of him.

"…maybe I have you confused with someone else," Yuuta said. He really hoped that he had him confused with someone else, anyway. He really hoped that it wasn't really his aniki in the poofy pink dress. He was going to have nightmares over this one.

"What's your name, boy?" Fujinda asked.

"My name is Yuuta. Fu -- Yuuta."

"Charming. The Ichinen of this Ichinen land would like to thank you for bumping off the wicked witch of the east. She wasn't a very nice witch you see, and they're quite glad that she kicked the bucket. They would like to all sing a very happy song about it now."

"DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD!" shrieked the Ichinen. Yuuta thought that the one with the giant unibrow actually looked a little familiar, but he couldn't place him (nor did he really want to).

Yuuta was a little shocked by the display of violence which accompanied the song. He was not accustomed to watching little men kicking corpses.

"Um, I'm really glad that you're so happy and all, but I'd kind of like to go home now," Yuuta said. He'd wanted to get away from home for a while, but he'd wanted to go somewhere better -- not to this nuthouse. He hadn't even escaped his aniki; no, instead, his aniki was smiling at him while wearing a pink dress.

"I don't know how to send you home," said Fujinda cheerfully. "It might have something to do with those ruby slippers you're wearing, but you might want to go see the wizard of Snoz to have it confirmed."

"…wizard of Snoz?"

"Yes, that's right. Follow the trail of yellow panties until you reach the Emerald City (Toronto's latest suburb) and you'll find the wizard with very little problem."

"Oh. Okay."

"NFUFUFUFUFUFUFU!" shrieked a very distinctive voice -- and out of a purple poofy explosion erupted Mizuki Hajime, wearing a purple dress and bitch boots. Yuuta felt his jaw drop.

"I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Mizuki cackled.

"I don't have a dog," Yuuta said.

"That's beside the point. Now give me your ruby slippers!"

"He can't, they're glued to his feet," Fujinda said. He didn't look so cheerful anymore. There was obviously some sort of rivalry between himself and Mizuki (whoever Mizuki was in this crazy place).

"I'll have them anyway! Nfuffuufu!" With that, Mizuki disappeared into his puff of purple smoke once more.

"Who was he?" Yuuta asked.

"The wicked witch of the West," Fujinda replied. "She wants your slippers, but you must never give them to her, no matter what tricks she uses to try and seduce you!"

"Um," said Yuuta, and then he was on his way down the trail of yellow panties. The Ichinen saw him off, singing one of their happy violent songs. Yuuta tried to drown them out, and was quite glad when he reached the border of Ichinen land and they left him alone.

A little while later, he came across a giant field full of corn. There was a scarecrow mounted in the center of the field, and a bunch of crows were pecking at him. The scarecrow was screaming bloody murder (which was interesting, considering that scarecrows usually didn't talk.) It also somewhat resembled Kaneda, but Yuuta didn't really want to think about that.

He went into the field to rescue Kaneda from the crows, because he couldn't stand the sound of that screaming any longer. The crows were more frightened of Yuuta than the scarecrow, and scattered when he arrived. He cut Kaneda down, and received a bear hug of thanks that nearly broke a few of his ribs.

"Thank you, oh thank you!" Kaneda exclaimed. "Those damn crows aren't afraid of me. I can't imagine why."

"It could be the care bears shirt."

"…maybe. My creator put this on me, though. I couldn't bear to change."

Yuuta was a little disgusted at the guy's hygiene, but hell, he was a scarecrow, so it hardly mattered. "I'm on my way to the Emerald City to see the wizard of Snoz."

"Dude! Do you think I could come? I kind of want to ask the wizard for a brain," Kaneda the scarecrow said. "I'm kind of tired of the sound of the dead mule rotting in my nearly empty head."

Yuuta felt a twitch coming on. "Sure, why not," he said. "I'm sure the wizard will be happy to help you."

"How can you be so sure if you've never met him? What if he refuses both our requests? Do we really have any right to be making demands of a complete stranger?"

"…" Yuuta frowned. "You're not supposed to have a brain, so stop being logical."

"Oh, sorry. Look, butterflies! Aren't they pretty? Tee hee."

The two traveled merrily down the trail of yellow panties, until they encountered a rusty tin woodsman. Once they un-rusted him, he informed them that he was very sad and angry because he didn't have a heart with which to have emotions. He was so sad and angry about not having emotions that he became quite emotional.

Yuuta tried not to laugh at him. It wasn't his fault that he looked like Akazawa-buchou.

"Why don't you come with us and ask the wizard of Snoz for a heart?" Kaneda suggested. "I'm going to ask him for a brain!"

"It sounds like you might need one," Akazawa grumbled. Kaneda started to cry. Akazawa was jealous -- at least Kaneda could have emotions.

The three of them skipped merrily along the trail of yellow panties, until they encountered a fierce lion who said he wanted to eat them. Yuuta had a hard time believing that, since said lion was wearing a pair of glasses and sweating nervously.

"Nomura…don't be such a jerk," Yuuta said.

"WAH! I'M SORRY!" Nomura the lion wailed. "Hey, how did you know my name?"

"It was a lucky guess."

"I AM SO SORRY! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

"I won't hurt you," Yuuta said, holding his fingers in his ears to block out the loud sounds.

"ARE YOU SURE? EVERYONE WANTS TO HURT ME."

"…Nomura. Why don't you come with us to the wizard of Snoz and ask him for some courage?"

"But I'm afraid of courage!"

"Come with us or I'll brain you."

"AAAAH! OF COURSE I'LL COME!" Nomura shrieked, and then he hid behind Akazawa and cried.

"…" Yuuta was beginning to wonder why he'd ever wanted to get away from home in the first place. The people he knew may have been annoying there, but they were much, much worse here.

"NFUFUFUFUFU!"

That could only be one person, Yuuta thought in horror. Mizuki, the wicked witch of the West, was perched atop a very tall tree, and laughing into the wind.

"I'll kill all your little friends, and then I'll eat them for dinner, nfufufu! And then I will have my wicked way with you, while you are wearing nothing but those slippers! And after that, I'll take the slippers! Nfu!"

Yuuta rolled his eyes. "If you want the damn slippers, I'll give them to you after I can get home," Yuuta said. "I don't like wearing heels anyway."

"I want them now, not later," Mizuki pouted.

"Don't be so impatient!" Akazawa growled. Mizuki raised an eyebrow at him, and Akazawa fell silent. He was weak to that gaze. (Apparently that was true for all the parallel worlds out there.)

"Nfu! I'll get you all!" Mizuki said, and then he disappeared again.

"Sorry, I should have warned you guys about him," Yuuta said. "But I forgot."

"You forgot about the crazy witch that's after you?" Nomura shrieked. "How could you forget that?"

"Not everyone is as chicken as you," Kaneda pointed out.

"Anyway, if you're all scared and stuff, you don't have to follow me anymore," Yuuta said. "If I were you I wouldn't want to die either."

"Nonsense!" Akazawa huffed. "We'll all be happy to help you get to the Emerald City, even Nomura, who is currently running away. Hang on, I will catch him."

The four boys skipped merrily along the trail of yellow panties.

Meanwhile, Mizuki plotted their destruction. However, his plot took him too long to develop, and he missed his chance.

When they arrived at Emerald City, they were greeted by the city guard, who looked surprisingly like Kisarazu Atsushi.

"I can't let you guys through," he said.

"Why not?" Akazawa growled.

"I actually don't remember."

"Then why don't you let us through?" Yuuta asked wearily.

"Okay." Kisarazu took them on a tour of the Emerald City, where they were all given makeovers. Yuuta was not impressed with the amount of eyeliner he was forced to wear, but if it meant they would let him in to see the wizard, he decided he would put up with it.

Sometime after lunch they were dumped in a long, ominous tunnel, and they were told that the wizard was waiting for them at the end of it.

"I don't know about this, guys," Nomura said. "It's kind of scary."

Everyone ignored him.

"I…I just peed my pants."

Then they ignored him some more.

When they reached the end of the tunnel, they saw a giant, looming statue of a very noble…duck. That seemed familiar, but Yuuta didn't have time to think about it.

"Mr. Snoz, do you think you could send me home?" Yuuta asked. He figured that politeness was the key; he didn't want to offend the wizard and get turned out on his ass, after all.

"And I'd like a brain!" Kaneda chirped.

"I want a damn heart," Akazawa said moodily. "So I can have emotions."

"Oh, and I'd like some courage! So that Yuuta won't hurt me!" Nomura whimpered.

"What are you going to do for me in return, da ne?" boomed a booming voice.

"Well, what would you like us to do?" Yuuta asked, a little impatiently. "I don't know what you'd want."

"I want you to bring me the broomstick of the wicked witch of the west, da ne! That task will be fairly impossible, da ne! In fact, I don't expect you to return alive, da ne, which is very convenient, da ne!"

"Fine, we'll do it." Yuuta didn't see that he had much of a choice. He led his band of misfits out of Emerald City in the general direction of where he thought the wicked witch's castle might be. Luckily he was right! They arrived at a giant fortress which was being guarded by a bunch of men in tutus.

"How the hell are we going to get in there?" Akazawa demanded angrily.

"I DON'T KNOW, DON'T HURT ME!"

"…maybe we could build a bridge?"

Yuuta felt a headache coming on. Then he was carried away by flying badgers that worked for Mizuki.

"Oh no! I have been kidnapped!" he wailed. He hoped that his friends would be able to rescue him!

"NFufufufufFuu! And when the hour glass is empty, you will DIE!" Mizuki cackled.

"I thought you wanted to have your wicked way with me?"

"Well yes, but that wouldn't be as dramatic. At this point, everything has to be desperate, right?"

"WRONG!" bellowed Akazawa, stepping into the room. "It -- Mizuki."

"Akazawa."

"Mizuki…"

"Yes."

"I…"

"Yes?"

Akazawa rusted from head to foot. Mizuki nfu'ed a few more times, and then whirled to face Nomura and Kaneda.

"Would either of you two like to try anything?" Mizuki demanded.

"Um?" Kaneda replied.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Nomura.

"You two are hopeless!" Yuuta exclaimed. He kicked the hourglass over (cursing his high heels) and it shattered.

"You poop!" Mizuki exclaimed. "You've foiled my plans! Meanie!"

Yuuta felt the need to "…". "Look, Mizuki-san. If you give us your broomstick, I'll let you have your wicked way with me."

"Yay!" Mizuki handed over the broomstick. Yuuta knew then for sure that this wasn't his world, because his Mizuki wouldn't have been that stupid.

"I can't believe you fell for that," Yuuta mumbled, and then he was on his way out the door.

"Wait! Come back! I want to --" Mizuki tripped and fell into the puddle of Nomura's tears.

"Ah! SALT! It's clogging my pores! Oh, I'm melting, melting! OH WHAT A WORLD!"

Yuuta and company left Mizuki's shrieking behind them and returned to the Emerald City.

"What do you mean you won't help us? I brought you the freaking broomstick, now send me home, damn you!"

"Don't be such an ungrateful little twerp, da ne!" bellowed the bellowing voice.

"Ungrateful? I just want to go home, you stupid duck!" Yuuta cried. That was when he realized something. He ran to the curtain he'd been ignoring until then and drew it back to reveal --

"Ah, you've uncovered my secrets, da ne!"

Yanagisawa had more than one secret, it seemed. Not only was the wizard of Snoz a mere human being, it appeared that Yanagisawa enjoyed lounging in negligees.

Yuuta woke up screaming.

"OH MY GOD ANYTHING BUT THAT!" he shrieked.

"Yuuta-kun, calm down!" Mizuki could actually sound soothing when he tried. Go figure. "You were just having a nightmare, that's all."

"Yeah, and you were in it, and so was buchou, and Kaneda, and Nomura, and Yanagisawa, and Kisarazu, and --" no, Yuuta was going to forget about his brother's presence in the dream.

"It's all right now," Mizuki said, patting Yuuta on the head. Right where the tennis shoe had hit him. Ouch.

"Mizuki-san --" Whatever Yuuta had been about to say was forgotten even by Yuuta when a poofy pink dress (whose owner Yuuta would NOT name) appeared.

"I forgot to tell you, Yuuta! All you have to do to get home is to click the ruby slippers together three times and say 'Mizuki is a snake!'"

"Damn you, Fujinda! I almost had him fooled!" the wicked witch of the west screamed.

Yuuta clicked his heels together three times, prayed to whatever gods were listening, and closed his eyes again.

Once more, Yuuta woke up screaming, but this time he found himself on the floor of the St. Rudolph work room.

"Are you okay Yuuta, da ne?" asked Yanagisawa.

"I'm fine, but I'd rather not talk to anyone just now," Yuuta said. Especially not Yanaigsawa. "I'm going to go to bed and have a decent night's sleep, and next time there is a tornado, I'm going to bury myself in a hole until it's over."

"…I see, da ne."

Yuuta stood, and reflected upon a few things. His reflection was interrupted by a low chuckle.

"Oh, and your brother is here to see you, da ne."

Yuuta fainted.


End file.
